


Ache

by captainsandsoldiers



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding, Brooding, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Poe's pov, jedistormpilot & jedipilot, very feels-y
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 21:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5800795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainsandsoldiers/pseuds/captainsandsoldiers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Were you in love with him?” </i><br/><i>She looked at him quickly, brows up in surprise. Looking down again, she licked her lips, attempting to consider her answer when she was losing coherency.</i><br/><i>“Weren’t we both, a little?” she answered finally, looking back at him and blinking.</i><br/>Things seem to be looking up for the trio when Finn wakes up from his coma. But just like that, he is gone again, shattering Poe & Rey's worlds. All that's left for them is to stumble around and try pick up the pieces - together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Dull, Permeating Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this fic. It's my first real angst-y one and I had good time writing it and crying some metaphorical jedistormpilot shaped tears. Leave kudos/comments if you like it. See next chapter for part 2!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1.

There had been a lot of grief in recent days. Within about the month or so after the events, there had been much eulogizing. Funerals with empty caskets - people whose bodies had been lost in the destruction of the the Hosnian System or Starkiller Base. There would be no return to normalcy for the Resistance, not after all that had happened, not now that they were the only one left. 

Finn was a shining light in both their lives - Rey’s and Poe’s. 

They had met through him, they had greeted each other solemly shortly after they’d arrived back on the base, and Finn had been wheeled away into intensive care. They both wanted to go and follow him, even Rey, with her injuries, but a medic had stopped them both. Poe had looked at Rey, as she stared anxiously after the man in the white medical tunic, and wringing her hands, scraped and dirty, before her. 

“You need to see a medic,” he told her, brows furrowing in concern. She looked down at her own hands, as if just remembering that she probably needed some cleaning up. 

“He hurt Finn…” she mumbled, still looking at them, as if they were brand new. Her eyes flicked back through the doorway, her eyes all worry. The pain within them was evident. Poe, knowing less about the situation than her, turned his eyes the same direction too, the euphoria of their success in the air battle all but evaporated by now. Together, they worried.

And together they’d come when he’d woken. They’d both come speedily from whatever they had been doing. Poe had fast walked through the base toward the place they were keeping Finn. He turned a corner and nearly walked straight into someone.

That person was Rey. She’d long ago traded her thin desert garb for a more sensible tunic and pants. At her belt, as always, that lightsaber. 

“He’s awake!” she said after they’d nearly collided, looking at him with excitement in her big green eyes, her attractive, elfish features all alight. Poe could not help but grin back. They both needed good news so badly, their excitement nearly overcame them as they walked the rest of the hallway together, up through the busy medical wing. Rey did not wait for anything as she arrived at the door of Finn’s small room. She pressed the button on the side panel and it slid open. 

Finn’s room was a small rectangle. Till then, the among only things within was the bed on which he lay, hooked up to a number of monitors and machines and tubes to keep an eye on his condition and keep him sustained. The machines sat on either side of the plain bed like guardians by a doorway, or doctors over their patient. Silent or beeping softly, giving complicated readings that neither Poe or Rey had ever understood. 

The only other things in the room were chairs. Two - wooden, one on each side, that someone had kindly brought in for the two of them, Rey had a hunch that it had been Leia. It was kind of her, to provide them that small comfort despite the seeming-pointlessness of their frequent watch over their comatose friend. Till then, he’d always just been lying as if dead, silent, unmoving. But yet they still came, because he was their friend, and they both had a private thought that maybe, somehow, their presence would register to him. It did not make scientific sense of any kind, but they both liked to hope. Hope was all the had. 

And now, finally, they walked into that room to find a big change. Finn was still lying on the bed, but he was sitting up slightly, he’d been given an extra pillow. He rested his hands on his chest, and was staring at the ceiling, until his eyes shot to the doorway. When he saw the both of them, his face lit up. It was the nicest thing Poe had seen in quite a long time.

“Hey!” he exclaimed, somewhat hoarsely, and attempted to sit up further, but winced in pain. Rey, grinning held up her hands and rushed over to him, gently pushing him down again. 

“Don’t get too worked up,” she remarked, looking at her friend. Her eyes shined with happiness and relief. Bent over her friend, one hand on his shoulder, she reached the other one out to hold against the side of his face.

“Don’t cry!” Finn replied, the smile on his face still wide, as he looked at Rey, so close to him, reaching out to touch her arm. “I’m all good!”

She stood back up, wiping at one eye with her wrist.  
“I’m sorry,” she remarked happily. “It’s just so nice to see you again.”

Finn’s grinning gaze moved from Rey to Poe, who was still standing at the other end of the room, giving them space.

“You made it.” Poe said, once Finn’s eyes had turned on him. A wide smile stretched across Poe’s face, crinkling the corners of his eyes, as warm happiness bloomed inside his chest and made him feel almost overcome with emotion. He walked up to his friend and held out a hand, which Finn grasped, looking up at him wistfully. It felt good to feel his friend’s handshake again. For so long his hands had been cold, stiff, and unresponsive. Seeing him so full of life again was the most welcome of reliefs.

They had all gotten to know each other in that little room. Finn and Rey had come as often as they could. They’d all sat there, for hours, just talking. The two of them had brought their meals sometimes, so they could all eat in each other’s company, since Finn was still bedridden. He was awake, but still weak. Still regaining his strength. Some days he was better than others. They tried to pay less attention to the bad days. They wanted to believe that he was getting exponentially better, but this was wishful thinking. 

Finn had laughed, so often - a great sound. He’d been sarcastic at moments, witty at others, and enthralled by Finn’s stories of adventures as a pilot, and of Rey’s descriptions of her experiences with the Force. They talked about the future. They all three confided in their own worries about it, how insecure it all felt, the fear and the confusion that welled up inside them all. But being together through it helped a lot. 

Poe had sat back, studying the turned Stormtrooper in the bed. He was a strong willed person, it was something Poe admired. Finn had been through so much, and yet, Poe could see how he tried to be strong. He could see sometimes how he surreptitiously slid his hand beneath his sheets and touched at the scar on his torso, hiding the pain from them both.

Poe had also noticed the way he held Rey’s hand sometimes. They did not make a big deal of it, this small physical contact. But Poe thought there may have been more to it than either of them let on. He watched the way she looked at him, the shining hopefulness in her eyes, the way her gaze lingered when he looked away - at least on the one side, he had some suspicion that she’d felt an affection for him that went beyond just the sort between friends.

He was not sure how he felt about this. Oddly, for sure. 

And Rey, on the other hand, watched the way that Finn and Poe held each other’s gazes and herself grew some private ideas. Perhaps it was her own overanalysis of it all because of how she felt for Finn, but she suspected something between her two friends. The pilot and the stormtrooper. And that left her, the jedi. But, really, she was miles away from being called that. 

So the three of them, a tight knit, if a little emotionally-confused group, grew together. Rey knew that she’d have to leave soon to seek out Luke Skywalker, and Poe knew he would had to go on long haul recon missions before long - the group would be broken, eventually, sending its members into danger. They held on tight, hoping it would for some reason never come. 

The way it did end up coming was a shock beyond all belief, and rocked the little world they’d built - a shelter from the confusion, an island of normalcy. They’d been stopped on their way to see Finn, as usual, in high spirits. They were discussing different models of fighters, Rey laughing at a joke Poe had made about it, when they were greeted by Leia in the halls that led to Poe’s room. Her face, now nearly permanently creased in concern these days, looked at them with immense sadness. Rey and Poe stopped, greeting her, both their smiles fading as they noted her expression.

“I’m afraid I have some difficult news, my children.” she told them, her arms in the wide sleeves of her robes clasped before her. Her dark eyes looked from one of their youthful faces to the other, which were growing more and more concerned by the second.

And then she dropped the bomb. As soon as he’d heard it, Poe’s eyes grew wide. He felt as if he was suspended from reality. His legs felt less stable, his stomach felt as if the bottom of it had dropped out as he stared in Leia in disbelief. She was looking at them with more sadness than ever before, clearly their reactions hurting her even further. She looked at Rey, reaching out to place a comforting arm on her shoulder. Beside him, Poe felt, numb as he was, that she was shaking. Everything in the moment was hazy on lookback, but he became aware of her body moving into his arms as they held onto each other. 

Rey shook, her arms clasped around his neck, holding on like a small child holds onto its mother in distress. He felt the warm dampness of her tears falling onto his shoulder after she gave a rattling breath. Poe’s eyes were still wide, he was staring beyond her, still not wholly processed the information. 

Their friend was gone. The light in their lives had very suddenly been taken from them. He’d succumbed to his wounds, quite unexpectedly, in the night, Leia had told them. He’d passed painlessly, in his sleep. Nothing about the information was the least bit of comfort.

Blinking, Poe felt something he hadn’t for a long time - the sting of tears in his own dark eyes. The two friends held each other, and allowed themselves cry. They cried for their friend, who they’d never see again. They cried for their broken world, and for each other, for nothing would ever be the same.

 

The funeral was one of the worst experiences of Poe’s life. He stood by Rey, them both dressed in black, trying their best to not cry in front of everyone. She reached for his hand at one point and he accepted it gratefully, but silently. They clasped them together for the remainder of the sad event, sharing a secret grief greater than any other attendee’s. Poe had had friends die before - such was the nature of his occupation, and family too. But something about this particular death hurt him more than he would have guessed. 

Perhaps it was Finn’s role in their days, the happiness he’d brought them, what he’d done for them before. He’d saved both their lives at one point or another. He’d stuck out his neck for them, and neither felt as if they’d repaid him for it. And now he was gone.

When it ended, Leia had stayed back to comfort them both. She tried her best, with her soothing husky voice and her wisdom of many years beyond their’s, to soften the pain that they both felt. They were grateful, but the sadness was not gone. Neither was sure if it would ever quite go away. 

That week continued and ended in a haze. Poe had not seen much of Rey. He’d thrown himself into his repairs and maintenance and planning, attempting to keep his mind busy, too busy to start wandering down any sad paths. 

As the last day of the week ended, he had sneaked himself a bottle of spirits and a glass tumbler, the only thing on his mind was getting himself into a nice stupor so he could fall asleep and stay that way till the next afternoon. He’d gone somewhere that he hadn’t in awhile - a certain hidden supply room in the Resistance base, infrequently visited, except by him.

It was a small square room, with shelves on two walls on which neat, dusty stacks of boxes were organized. Against the only other wall that didn’t hold the door, there were more stacks, but of rather large wooden boxes. Truthfully, Poe had absolutely no idea what was in them, and he’d never seen them moved. However, this made for a nice, reliable room, when one wanted to be totally alone, and undisturbed. In it, he could feel totally undetectable, difficult on a relatively small base where everyone knew each other. 

So it was an immense surprise to hear a knock on the door some time after he’d first made his way to the room. He’d sat himself on the ground, leaning his back against the boxes, and poured a small amount of the clear, aromatic liquid into the glass. He smelled its sting before he tasted it, the feeling familiar - first the biting sort of bitterness that melted quickly into a pleasant sort of crisp taste as it got further in your mouth. Alcohol from some distant system - always the most reliable way to not deal with your emotions.

Either way, he’d looked up in surprise, brows furrowed at the knock. A moment later, the door slid open, called open by the person or persons on the other side. Standing there was Rey. She was wearing a grey, v necked tunic that showed her smooth, angular collar bones and neck, exposed by her usual hairstyle of three buns.  
“How’d you find this place?” Poe blurted out, looking up. Her inquisitive eyes scanned the small, pathetic little space.

“Mind if I come in,” she inquired, it being more of a statement than a question. Not knowing what else to do about it, Poe shrugged, still holding the bottle and the glass in either hand beside him. Rey stepped inside, the door shutting behind her when she pressed a button on the side panel.

Looking back down at him again, she lowered herself and sat down on the ground, leaning against the shelf on the other wall. She tucked a bit of hair behind her ear and took a breath.

“Jess told me you might be here.”

Poe blinked in surprise. So, Jess knew. He supposed he couldn’t have kept it a secret forever.

“Thought this was my secret spot…” he murmured, half to himself. Rey gave the smallest of smiles.

“I’m good at finding things,” she replied. “I was a scavenger, after all.”

He found himself smiling too. Both their smiles were small and weak, neither feeling particularly happy, especially now that they were in each other’s company again. But the little jibes loosened the atmosphere.

“Well,” Poe remarked, sitting fully back again. His eyes flicked up to the ceiling, to the dim strips of lighting giving the place its greenish sort of air. “You found me. Why?”

Rey was looking at her legs, which she had folded to her side, resting one hand against the floor.

“I just wanted to check on you. We haven’t… I wanted to see if you were okay.”

 _Spoken in a week, practically,_ was the true end of the last sentence. Poe did not honestly want to admit that he had been avoiding her to a degree. He could not think of… it, every time he looked at her pretty, concerned face. 

He nodded slowly, looking back at her, as she stared away. He studied the angles in her shoulders, the curve in her hips as she sat, the facets of her face, turned away.

“Sorry.” he replied finally, and finished the rest of the glass off. It felt pleasantly warm as it went down. Rey looked with some interest at the glass.

“Is that…?” she asked, looking at it. He glanced at the bottle.

“Alcohol? Yes, indeed, the smart man’s way of dealing with his troubles. You want some?”

She looked curiously at the bottle. 

“I’ve never had any before.” she admitted, looking up at him unsurely. The corner of his mouth flicked up.

“Well, allow me to be your first enabler…” he responded, pouring a small amount into the glass. “It’ll help… honestly.”

He held the glass out to her, a little amusement sparkling in his dark eyes. He forgot, sometimes, how young she was, the sheltered nature of her life before all this. _Too young, for all this pain._ Her eyes lingered on the drink, the glassy beverage in the tumbler, rippling gently, and after a moment, accepted it from him.  
Taking a sniff, Rey raised an eyebrow in surprise, and took a sip. Immediately she coughed, making a face. Poe gave a small laugh - he was surprised to hear it come out of himself.

“Sling it back, it doesn’t all taste that way,” he explained gently, smiling at her half confused, half disgusted expression as she looked into the glass. Evening it out again, she took another sip, this one measured at full, and swallowed without gagging.

“See?” he asked, putting the bottle on the ground between them. “Not so bad. Have a bit more and you’ll start to feel more at ease.”

“Suppose I can’t use less of that…” she replied, looking at the glass, and refilling it. She hugged her knees to her chest with her free hand, resting her chin on the top of them. The way she stuck out her bottom lip slightly, in a bit of a sulk, was very endearing to Poe. He suddenly had the strong urge to reach out and pull her into his arms again, like he’d done when they’d gotten the bad news. Of course, he stayed in his spot, resting his hands on the top of his raised knees as he watched her.

“To answer your earlier wonder…” he spoke up. “I’m… doing okay.”

Rey looked back at him, blinking his large, almond eyes and giving a small nod. She took a sip of the drink and continued to nod.

“That’s… good. I’m glad to hear it.”

“And how are you?”

She looked up, as if surprised at the question. 

“Not… so good.” she admitted quietly. “It’s hard for me to….”

Rey trailed off, her eyes staring into the distance, as if lost in memories. Poe watched her, feeling a rush of affection for his friend, understanding her pain perhaps more than anyone else in the galaxy. They both felt that every time they looked at one another, they saw him. 

“I’m supposed to leave this week,” she whispered, looking small as she hunched around her knees. Alarm bells suddenly went off in Poe’s head. He took a swig of drink straight from the bottle.

“Leave?” he inquired in a strained tone. It was hard to be with her, yes, but not having her there at all was not something he wanted to consider. 

“To go to Luke.”

She finished off the glass, and frowned.

“How am I supposed to focus on the Force, if I can’t even think straight, I’m so upset and distracted?” she demanded, her brows furrowed. Poe blinked. This was a new development. Of course, he knew she was going to go away soon, but with what happened, he’d completely forgotten. 

“I couldn’t imagine that.” Poe admitted quietly, fumbling absently with his jacket. It was a jacket much like this one that he’d given to Finn after they’d been reunited on the base. He’d thought he was dead then, but now…. the memory was a bit too much to handle. He looked away, feeling the sting of emotion surging up to meet him. He took another swig, and Rey filled her own glass. The drink was loosening them both up, Rey much more than Poe, for she had never had any time to build any kind of tolerance. She felt warmer, more at ease, as it coursed through her system, but still distressed at the thought of the future that would not leave. 

“So why do you go here?” she asked, changing the subject, and looking around the small room.

“Don’t laugh at it,” he retorted, eyeing the small space. “Sometimes you need a place where nobody can find you. Though, I guess, the secret’s out now.”

Rey gave a small smile. 

“Even Poe Dameron, golden boy pilot…”

He gave a sardonic chuckle, looking at her.

“Yes, even Poe Dameron. Everyone needs their private moments.”

She gave him a small, wily smile. 

“Glad to know you can’t hide from me.”

He smiled back, appreciating the way her eyes twinkled with amusement, his eyes lingering on her full, pink lips. Something within him stirred, but he was brought back to the exact thing he was trying to avoid thinking about. He was reminded of Rey and Finn’s clasped hands, second nature, but still a moment between them. Poe looked away. Beside him, Rey served herself more of the drink, letting her legs stretched out before her as she felt looser and looser. They passed several moments in silence, till Rey finally spoke up, saying what they both felt.

“I wish Finn was here,” she said softly, staring ahead of her, one hand holding the glass, and the other resting on her leg. Poe looked at her, pain in his expression. She stared off into the distance, her brows furrowed, her eyes listless. These mood swings were bad for them, he knew it, but neither could help but indulge their sadness. It was still too palpable on their minds. Poe took another swig, and Rey finished the glass.  
Only because of the influence of the alcohol, the question burst out of him. 

“Were you in love with him?”

She looked at him quickly, brows up in surprise. Looking down again, she licked her lips, attempting to consider her answer when she was losing coherency.

“Weren’t we both, a little?” she answered finally, looking back at him and blinking. Poe gave a sigh, running a hand through his thick hair, as he pictured Finn’s face in his mind’s eye. Dimly aware of Rey picking up the bottle and draining the last bit straight from it, he stared at the ground, the pain inside him feeling like a dull ache.

“Thanks for this…” Rey said in a somewhat feeble, tired sounding voice. She pulled her legs back in and lay down on her side, tucking her hands in beside her face, her next words sounding very sleepy. 

“You’re right, it helps...”

He looked at her, brows furrowed, as she closed her eyes and promptly fell into slumber. He did not _intend_ to get her drunk, she herself had taken to it, but then again, he should have been more careful, and kept a closer eye on this young future jedi. Cursing under his breath, he rubbed his hands on his face. 

At least the one of them had gotten some comfort. 

He picked up the empty bottle and the glass and slid them onto a random shelf behind where Rey had been sitting, for it was less than likely that anyone would check in on this dusty closet. With a puzzled look at her slim body, curled up on the ground, he realized he had no idea where her quarters were. And stumbling around the base in this night, risking many sightings and carrying a passed out girl in his arms was probably not the best idea. Poe cursed again.

The only place he could think of to take her was his own room. She’d be mad at him in the morning for this, but it was his only choice. Squatting down and hoping his balance would not betray him, he slid his muscular arms under her limp, sleeping frame and got up, giving a small grunt as he shifted her body in his arms to a more comfortable position. Her arms lay on her torso, her head curled into his chest. As he got the door open and started down the deserted hallway in the direction of his room, he became aware of the small details of the encounter - how warm her body felt against his own, the bracing weight of her head on his chest, the flowery sort of scent of her hair that filled his nose every so often.

Poe made it to his room soon enough, focusing simply on not falling over, for his own faculties were in a certain degree of impaired. Not bothering with the light, he took a few steps forward in the little rectangular room, and walked up to his bed. Gentle as he could, he laid her onto it. As he did so, she stirred, and woke briefly.

“Poe?” her soft, sleepy voice said in the darkness as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Still bent over her, he noted her eyes squinting at him. 

“I feel funny…” she mumbled.

“That’s what it typically does to you,” he replied in a whisper, amusement in his eyes. He saw her lips form a small smile beneath her sleepy eyes, and she lifted her hand, placing it to his surprise against his cheek.

“Could you stay?” she murmured in the darkness. Poe became aware of the fact that his heart was going at a slightly faster pace than usual. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

This was an assurance. His exhausted, mildly drunk self did not feel like washing up or changing. He simply kicked off his shoes, stumbled around to the other side of the bed and laid himself beside her, feeling instantly comforted by the soft, gentle feeling of his bed under his body. Beside him, the very sleepy Rey rolled over onto her side and to his surprise yet again, curled against him. 

It was an experience he hadn’t had in a long time, sleeping beside someone, feeling their breaths and heartbeats as their body lay beside yours. So he’d forgotten how nice it felt, how comforting. He reached out an arm and wrapped it around her waist, pressing him toward her. Now Rey’s head was tucked beneath his own, her arms curled up against his chest. 

Any thoughts of whether this was appropriate were not going through their of their tired, inebriated brains. They were both just seeking out comfort, a little warmth in their sadness. And they found it in each other’s embrace. Sleep quickly overtook them. 

 

The next morning, when Poe woke, he lay there in the morning chill of his quarters without realization of what had happened the previous night. He was rolled on his side, curled into himself, breathing deeply. It was an innocent few moments until things came back to him. 

The memories of the previous night, and indeed, the whole previous week, caused his eyes to shoot open. He fumbled for a sitting up position, eyes scanning the interior of the room, quickly coming to the realization that he was alone. Rubbing a hand against the side of his face to push the remnants of sleep off of it, he leaned back on an arm, a frown settling on his face. He felt many things at once - embarrassment, confusion, wonder. His bed, now that he’d remembered what it felt like to have two people in it, felt very empty with just his own body.

Looking over to the other side of the bed, recently vacated by a certain slim, tan future jedi, something on his side table caught his eye. There was a small piece of paper, folded once, beside his lamp. Reaching over, he picked it up, and opened it, finding a short note written in small letters.

_Poe - leaving today. Hate goodbyes. Be back in a few weeks. Please stay safe, and thank you. - R_

Beside her initial, there was a tiny x. He stared at the text for a long time, re reading every word, picturing her standing above his sleeping body, scribbling it. He wondered how she felt doing it. Relieved to get away, or sad to go? 

Still holding the note in his hand, Poe swung his legs over the side of the bed. He leaned forward on his knees, holding the small piece of paper in front of him and attempting to come to terms with the news it provided. He ran his thumb over its edge, the surprise of the news slowly subsiding back to a dull sadness, a hurt. He wondered, he deeply wanted to know why she’d left like this. 

Losing Finn so suddenly had made him feel as if someone had punched a hole somewhere within him. The shock of suddenly being without the only other person who knew how he felt was like a dagger to the wound. And… he’d felt that something had changed between her and him the previous night, it ached at him to not have her to talk about it with. 

Ache was a good word. Everything seemed to ache within Poe, from his head, to his arms, to his heart. A dull, permeating pain, where you could not tell what was physical pain, and what was emotion.  
Looking for a moment at his large, thick hands, he, for another time in very few days, buried his weary face within them. He wished it could go away. 

And, he’d trade close to anything with Kylo Ren himself just to have his friends back with him, together.


	2. An Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2.

As the days passed and turned into weeks, Poe’s ache gradually subsided a little bit, but remained in the background most of the time, like a perpetually sore muscle, inescapable and irritating. Re: Finn, his grief dragged on, throbbed, making tear sting at his dark his eyes when he was lying in his bed late at night. He thought of his friend frequently enough, try as he did to not, of his big grin and good humor and bravery and the debt he’d never be able to pay back. 

And then there was Rey, who was off with Luke Skywalker, on some planet somewhere that he did not know. When it came to her the pain was different. His confusion and hurt from her sudden departure slowly chipped away into a bitterness. When he thought of her face - eyes thin as she laughed, wide in surprise, filled with tears and looking away, he wanted to pull out his hair. He did not want to admit to himself how often, when lying in bed at night, he wanted more than anything to have her to wrap his arms around, or how often thoughts of her sweet, youthful face and supple body distracted him when he was trying to work. 

All these thoughts were tinged with sadness and his personal understanding of how unrealistic they were all. _She was too young for him,_ he repeated to himself. She was a jedi in training. She had powers beyond his understanding. He was just a pilot. Just a pilot. _Just a pilot._

But he had been doing a good job of avoiding thinking about either of them in recent days. There were recon missions to prepare for, ships to build and maintain, logistics to work out and meetings to be in. Keeping busy was good, that was what everyone said, all the time. It had been just such a day when Leia had come to visit him in a small covered hanger. He was working on repairs on a small jet, his flight suit unzipped to the waist, only a white sleeves shirt covering his muscular torso. His tan arms were streaked with grease and his hair fell into his eyes.

Noticing her coming up, he turned around, giving her a smile.

“Hello, General,” he greeted. The older woman was coming up, dressed in her usual long robe and her greying hair pulled up in a complicated style. She was smiling too, a sort of very pleased look in her eye. 

“Excuse… all of this.” he said, gesturing vaguely to his less than dressed state and how dirty he was. She gave a small chuckle, waving her hand dismissively. 

“I’ve just come to let you know,” she informed him. “That Rey has arrived this morning.”

The smile on his face faded for a moment, but he hid it from Leia, who seemed very pleased at this news. He forced one onto his face.

“That’s great - I’ll keep an eye out of her.”

Leia nodded at him and gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder before leaving. It was kind of her to tell him, she knew well that he was hurting, but he did not take this news with full excitement. Rather he was in half a mind to hurry up and go find her, and half to go hide somewhere. Unfortunately, she _did_ know his secret spot….

Returning back to his work, he fiddled with the loose part he was repairing on the ship’s side, meditating on the new development. He was not sure if he was ready to see her again. Everything had just been getting back to some stability, emotionally and otherwise. Poe worried her reappearance might send that into a tailspin. 

Grunting, he jerked the wrench he was using to turn a certain bolt, his thick brows furrowing and beads of perspiration appearing on his tautly muscular upper arms. He was channeling some of his confusion into the motion as he scowled into the bolt. So hard was he concentrating on the motion, that he didn’t hear the sound of someone walking up behind him. 

“Poe?” a soft, familiar female voice said behind him. He damn near dropped his wrench, and quickly turned around, pushing some of his damp hair off his forehead.

She was standing there. Rey - looking just as young and beautiful since the day he had met her. Her tunic looked different now - made of beige fabric, the top part long and loose, belted at her small waist, the lightsaber still clipped to it, with knee high boots. She wore her hair just the same as before, pulled back over her tan face, that had slightly more freckles than before, if was noting properly. Her expression was wistful and curious as she looked at him, her arms at her sides. Her almond eyes flicked from his surprised face to his shoulders, shiny with sweat over the bulging muscles, occasionally streaked with grease down the arm. 

They stared at each other for a moment, both taking in each other’s appearance, confused emotions bubbling behind their faces. Poe was embarrassed to be caught like this, but felt his heart swell with the pleasure of seeing his old friend again, awkward as it was, simultaneously. 

“Hey,” he said finally, a smile working its its way onto his face. “Nice to see you again, er, Ms. Jedi.”

She grinned now too, the smile lighting up her face. It was very nice to see again. She took a step forward and the two embraced in a hug. 

“I’m sorry, I’m all gross,” he apologized into her shoulder, and felt her chuckle in his arms before they broke apart. 

“At least we have showers on this base,” she remarked, looking around and smiling happily, clearly pleased to be back. “I’ve been washing myself in creeks and with rain water the last few weeks.”

A less than appropriate mental image entered Poe’s head at this statement. He blinked and pushed a hand through his hair, silently chiding himself for the thought, and stood back, looking at his friend.

She had been watching him too, resting a hand on her hip. There was a soft, emotional smile on her face.

“It’s really good to see you.” she told him quietly. He looked away bashfully, smiling, trying to find the words to express how he felt. Her presence brought back memories of her, and Finn. Her and Finn laughing at one of his stories, grinning at one another, and at him. Looking at her was equal parts pain and pleasure. 

“How’s the training then?” he inquired, leaning a hand against the side of the in-repair fighter, since he did not want to discuss his feelings. “You a jedi yet?”

She chuckled, 

“Far from it… I’m just getting started. It’s… coming along. These things take years of training, and you’re supposed to start when you’re just a kid.”

She tucked a strand of hair beneath her ear, glancing at her feet. 

“I still have a lot to learn.” she explained. He felt for her, understanding that it must be a gargantuan task, hard enough without having the grief of recently losing a friend hanging above you. There he was again, thinking of Finn. She had only been there for a few minutes, but was already triggering all sorts of emotional flip flops within Poe. Licking his lips, he looked away.

“Well, I’m sure you have a lot of things to be telling Leia, and all that,” he said, fiddling with the wrench in his hands. “And I…”

He trailed off, looking away. The confusion about whether he wanted her around, very much, or just wanted to be alone again, was infuriating him. Running away from it, that was always a good idea, wasn’t it? 

She watched him for a moment, blinking her big eyes, and then away, nodding quickly.

“I mean, I’m just a pilot, and you’ve probably got big, galaxy changing jedi things to deal with…” he said, giving her a small crooked smile, which she reciprocated with a small one of her own. But he could tell that his demeanor surprised her. What was he supposed to say - she was the one who had left for weeks without even a real goodbye, after they’d slept in each other’s arms. The crueler side within him had not allowed him to forget that. He’d practically worn a hole in that note she’d left him, so often had he rubbed his thumb over that little “ _\- R x_ ”, confused about what he felt.

“You’re not just a pilot to me,” she said softly, giving him a small smile, which immediately made him feel bad. She looked behind her and gave a nod to him. 

“See you, then.”

Giving another small, almost sad sort of smile, she turned around and walked out of the room. He watched her retreating back, the way the back of her tunic swung above her narrow waist. Poe pressed a hand to the side of his face, feeling at the lines in his face and by his eye.  
She was so young. And he was so tired of the ache. 

 

Poe did try to keep to himself for the rest of the day and into the night, but he was chased by thoughts of her and thoughts of Finn. In his room, as night fell, he sat down on his bed, staring out the small window into the sunset on D’Qar. His hands rested on his knees as he sat, lost in his thoughts. He considered going out and finding some alcoholic beverage to calm his brain, but, that had worked so well last time. He also could find some of his friends, maybe Tem and Jess, and see what they were up to. But he’d have to force himself to feel like he was having a good time. Things were a little complicated, thanks to today. 

There was always… but he felt hurt even thinking of her. Thinking of her, how much she reminded him of Finn, how untouchable she was. The two of them had broken his heart, though neither had intended to. It was just the truth. 

A knock on his door caused him to look up, and blink, wondering who it was. He rubbed at the side of his forearm, and called over.

“Come in…?”

The door slid open, once more revealing the person he already half thought would be standing there. The young woman in the jedi attire, looking curiously within. She caught his eye.

“Oh,” he said, once he became aware of her identity. She looked around the small space, her arms at her sides.

“Mind if I come in?” she asked. Poe paused, then shrugged. This situation was already begun, he thought. Not much he could do about it now, without doing something rude to her. Simmering with hurt as he had been at her for a long time, he had no desire to make her upset in any way, now.

She stepped inside, the door closing behind her. 

“Didn’t get a chance to look much last time I saw here…” she said, eyes scanning the small space, which consisted of his bed, a side table, clothing drawers at the other end, and a few posters on the walls. 

“Yeah, I know, it isn’t much…” he said, giving a smirk and casting his eyes about the small space as well. 

“So this is how the Resistance houses their best pilot…”

She caught his eye again, her own sparkling as she smiled. He chuckled.

“Now, where did you get that idea? And… resources are thin. I don’t mind.”

Rey turned her back to him, inspecting the shelves he had near the door, on which sat a few different knick knacks and personal possessions he’d picked up over the years, on recon missions and on his travels. 

“That’s how Finn described you.” she said simply, looking at the shelf. Poe swallowed. He fiddled with the sleeve on his leather jacket, a little uncomfortable.

“Ah.” he replied finally. “Well… is there something you needed?”

She turned, watching him with her inquisitive, elfish eyes, and crossed her arms loosely over her chest.

“Just to talk.” she replied after a moment. “It _has_ been weeks since I saw you…”

He looked away. He didn’t need to be reminded of the time - and of how much of an ass he was being, at that moment. 

“Sorry.” he said after a pause, squeezing his eyes shut and opening them again. “I’m…. being rude. How are you holding up?”

She looked at her feet, picking at her nail absently. When she spoke, it was slowly.

“I’m alright, you know. There’s been a lot to deal with and… it’s hard, being alone again. But Master - I mean, Luke, he’s helped a lot.”

“Got any cool Force tricks to show me?”

It was an attempt to lighten the mood, and it seemed to work, a little. She looked up and gave him a small smile, then crossed the room and took a seat on his bed beside him. Looking at a book that he had resting on one of the shelves, she raised her hand, and, furrowed her brow. The book, seemingly on its own accord, floated up into the air. Poe watched, mesmerized, as it floated gently into his lap, plopping down. Rey dropped her hand, and smiled widely at him.

“Wow!” he exclaimed. His only other experience with the Force was much less pleasant, in fact, he still had nightmares about it. This kind was a lot nicer. It made a question come to his mind, however.

“Wait, so now that you’re…. in tune with all that, could you read my thoughts?”

Her smile vanished and she shook her head quickly.

“Not unless I tried,” she replied. “But I would never do that. Peering into someone’s head, it’s… horrible.”

They both sat in silence for a moment, rather horrifying memories coming back for them both. It was a bond they shared, a rather dark one - both having their thoughts ripped into by Kylo Ren. Of course, according to Rey, she was able to fight back. Poe was not, however. He hoped he’d never have to be in that position.

“Well, that’s reassuring.” he said, giving her a small smile. He got to his feet, to return the book to the shelf, and asked another question that was lingering on his mind. “So, are there rules you have to follow…? From what I read about the Jedi, they seemed a pretty disciplined bunch.”

He turned around again, leaning back against the shelf, crossing his arms over his chest, more at ease now. She watched him with a tilt of her head, and responded after a pause, crossing one leg over the other and resting one hand against his bed.

“There is a Jedi code, technically. Things have changed a lot, though, since the times of the Jedi order, proper… there’s just me and Luke and… a few others, out there. He’s been telling me about the history and the conduct requirements.”

“So, like….” Poe said, amusement sparkling in his eyes. “No red meat on certain days of the week? Forced celibacy?”

She laughed. 

“Not quite like that. More broad kinds of things. I won’t bore you with all the details, to be honest, I can hardly remember it all myself. Luke says there’s a certain degree we need to follow the teachings, but there is such a thing as too much discipline.”

He watched her, a smile resting on his lips as she looked away, absently playing with the fabric of his comforter, seemingly lost in thought. He could not help but remark on her beauty once again, but the longer he looked, the more caught up he got in his own jumbled feelings. 

“I’m supposed to be making amends, though,” she said, looking up at him again. “No hanging… wrongs. So, I’m…. sorry for how I left before.”

Rey scratched the back of her neck, looking somewhat embarrassed. Poe looked at his feet, shifting his weight.

“It’s fine.” he said quietly. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No,” she said, biting her lip. “It was wrong of me. It was a hard time for us both.”

Poe gave a vague sort of shrug and looked away, trying not to think about it. She said her next statement after a long pause.

“I’m gonna go visit his grave tomorrow, if you want to come.”

Poe’s brows furrowed.

“Can we just not talk about it?” he asked sadly, catching her eyes again. She frowned at him.

“Not talking about isn’t going to help us get over it….”

“It’s worked for me so far.”

It sounded harsher than he had intended. She looked a little taken aback but held her ground. 

“Well, I’m sorry that my caring is bothering you.” she replied, her brows furrowed. Poe looked down, chewing on his bottom lip and looking ashamed. He took a step forward and sat back down on the bed, angling his body away from her own. Once again, he felt very alone. He knew she was right but that did not make things any easier. 

They sat in silence, the room gradually growing dimmer as the light outside faded. 

“It’s hard when someone you love is gone,” she spoke up, nearly at a whisper. “But hiding our hurt from one another…”

“It’s bad, I know,” Poe lamented, turning back to her and looking at her graceful face with a pained expression. “But… you’re gone. And you’re gonna be gone. And I’m still just a pilot.” 

“Do I have to say it again,” she replied quickly, her brows knitting. “You’re so much more than just that to me!”

Concern and sadness in her eyes, she scooted closer and put her hands on either side of his face, turning it to face her. He looked at her with a sad expression on his face, his eyes lingering across hers, on her small nose and full lips, observing how delicate and symmetrical they were. On the sides of his face her hands felt warm. The hairs on the back of his neck were prickling with the physical contact, especially as he felt her lean forward.  
A moment later their faces were just centimetres away, Poe could feel her breath on his chin through her slightly parted lips, and his heart started beating a little faster. He was not sure which of them instigated the actual kiss, but it seemed that one moment they were apart and the next, their lips were pressed together. It was a soft and gentle embrace, lasting a few moments as the two of them sat, their eyes closed, focusing on it. 

Poe reached up and touched his hand to the back of hers, which was cradling his face, and they broke apart. Rey was looking at him in a sort of breathless way, her lips parted, and her eyebrows slightly raised.

“What are we doing,” Poe mumbled, still surprised at what happened. She stared at him, blinking, not answering for a moment. Poe looked down, speaking up again.

“I’m too old for you…” 

He did not want to think of what was stopping them, his eyes were floating across her down her neck, over her slim body that he so wanted back against his own. But it was inescapable. For goodness sake, he had grey hairs already. She looked so young, and so innocent, but so strong, possessing powers far beyond anything he could do. What the fuck was he doing, messing around with someone like that? 

He shivered, realizing, despite all this, how much he wanted her. 

“Don’t say that…” she murmured breathlessly, her eyes lingering on his lips, and she caught his gaze again. 

They stared for a few more moments into each other’s eyes, both simultaneously considering the implications of what they both wanted very much. 

Poe turned his eyes down again. They had no business whatsoever doing this. He wanted to get up and tell her that it would be best if she would just leave. He could not bring himself to do it though, to see her beautiful face crestfallen. Before he could think it through much more, she leaned forward again and caught his lips in her own.

He found it much, much harder to resist at this point, when the kiss deepened between them, feelings within him that he hadn’t entertained in a long time stirring. Arousal coursing up in his veins, Poe yanked off his jacket, tossing it aside as he reached for her waist, pulling her closer. Rey’s arms wrapped around his neck as he laid her form back onto his bed, feeling his heart rate elevate and the places where her skin was pressed against his own felt hot and electric. They both breathed quicker, more rapidly, as their bodies pressed against one another, for one of them, a familiar but welcome sensation, and for the other one, an new but exciting one. 

As Poe drew his lips across her cheek, lingered back behind her ear and down her smooth, tan neck, he heard her give a small gasp. He pulled away and raised himself up on elbow, looking at her with an inquisitive smile. Rey’s eyes were wide as she looked at him.

“Don’t like it?” he asked playfully, using his free hand to trace along the side of her waist and hip. She gave a little shake of the head, biting her bottom lip in a way that he found very enticing. He took his arm and pulled back her tunic around her neck a bit, to expose her angular collarbone and part of her shoulder. Something on her belt caught his eye, after this.

“Maybe let’s get rid of the lightsaber, first…” he murmured, chuckling to himself as he realized it had never left her belt. Looking down, she came to the same realization and gave a laugh. 

“Might be a good idea!”

She unclipped it from her belt and used her levitation to guide it up, and onto the floor next to the bed. Poe stared after it, gawking.

“Never gonna get used to that, huh?” she asked, grinning at him in the dark. Looking down at her, he shook his head, smiling too. It was a real, genuine smile. 

It had been a while since he had had one like it. 

 

The next morning, Poe awoke slowly. He reached up and rubbed his eyes, noting how bright his room was. It was not as cold as usual, and he was lying on his side in his bed, naked under his covers. He squinted ahead of him, at the brightness being let through the window. Rey was sitting up on the edge of the bed, her back to him, illuminated by this light. Poe ran his eyes up and down her bare back which faced him, her rumpled hair falling against her neck as she sat, stilly. She seemed to be looking out the window, but he could not see her expression. A smile curved across his lips.

“Was worried you might run out on me again…” he said sleepily from his pillow. She looked over the graceful curve of her shoulder at him, giving him a smile. In the bright light of the morning, her tan skin a glow, she looked simply stunning. 

“No, not this time.” she told him, turning back to the window and tilting her head slightly. He watched her for a few more moments, a highly pleasant tranquillity filling him as he studied her beautiful body. 

“What are you thinking about?” he asked quietly, sitting up. He scooted closer to her and reached out a hand, tracing the tips of his fingers across her shoulder and down her arm, relishing the warmth and smoothness of her skin. 

“Just… the future, I guess.”

He nodded slowly, though she couldn’t see it. For the longest time, the future was a bleak, abstract concept to Poe. Nothing had seemed right, until now. It was a relief.

“You’re right.” he said finally, to her back. He moved toward her and rested his chin on her shoulder, slinging his arm around her waist, finding immensely nice the feeling of her bare skin against his own. 

“I’ll go with you today. To visit the grave.”

Rey turned her head, looking at him sideways with her brows raised. He looked down, a peaceful expression on his face.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” he decided. “I’ve been… not dealing with my emotions properly in the last few weeks. Finn wouldn’t have liked that.”

She smiled now too, and gently laid her head against his, giving a small, pleased sigh. 

“I missed you a lot.” she said quietly. Poe grinned. 

“I knew it...”

Her shoulder shook gently as she chuckled. In that moment, everything felt more right than it had in years. Holding her, their warmth against one another in the bright light of the morning, it filled them with a buoyant happiness that they hadn’t felt since before Finn passed. This was a bittersweet fact, but ultimately, it allowed them to think about him and focus on the happy memories, on the sweetest he’d brought them, instead of the sadness they’d felt before. 

“We’re going to be alright, I think…” Rey mused quietly, eyeing Poe happily from the side. He smiled back. It was immensely pleasing to him to be able to answer the next statement with full, optimistic irony.

“Yeah. I think we are.”

So they would be. The pilot, not just a pilot, but _the pilot_ , and the jedi girl, who’d started off in love with the same person, but through it, found it with one another. 

And nothing had ever been as nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading. If you enjoyed, leave some kudos or a comment! I hope you liked how I ended it.
> 
> [ _Somewhat creepy side note_ \- anyone else find the idea of these two characters together really hot? Maybe it's just because I'm kinda in love with both the actors that play them, lol]


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